*I wrote this blog post over 2 years ago and finally decided to make it public.*
They say you should never leave anything unsaid. So, here’s what I didn’t have the courage to tell you. You were perfect. Perfect for me anyway. You were the one I dreamed about, the one I thought about and the one I wanted to be with. You were the one I wanted to tell my day about, the one I wanted to do absolutely nothing with and the one I wanted to marry. You were the one.
I know that sounds silly, seeing as we never really dated. Sure, we went on dates here and there but we hardly even knew each other. Or at least that’s what I told myself. I thought that if I told you how I felt I would scare you away. That you would be afraid because I felt so strongly about us. Not having dated you didn’t matter to me because I knew who you were and knew enough about you to know that I wanted you. I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you and that you were perfect for me. Everything you did made me like you even more. The way you touched my arm during a movie or the way you got frustrated at me for putting my stray hairs on the ground. The way you looked at me and made me feel like I was the only one around, the way you kissed me, the way you made me feel safe. You always asked why I was smiling and it was always because of you. Just being around you made me happy. The night we spent together was when I knew. I knew it was you and always had been you. And that scared me.
I couldn’t tell you how I felt because you were the practical one. The one who thought about situations logically, the one who thought with your head and not your heart. I couldn’t tell you that I could see myself falling in love with you and marrying you. I couldn’t tell you that thinking about spending the rest of my life with someone made me anxious, but when I thought about doing it with you, I couldn’t wait. I couldn’t tell you that I thought about you every night before going to bed and imagined you lying there next to me. I couldn’t tell you that I would do anything for the chance to date you and only be yours because nothing would have changed your mind.
I know you had your reasons. Reasons why you didn’t think it would work out and reasons that were “too big” to overcome. Reasons that made logical sense. I had reasons too. Reasons why it would have worked out. Reasons why your reasons were stupid and I disagreed with. But again, these reasons were from my heart and based on how I felt, and I couldn’t compete with logical reasons. It would have worked out because I wanted it to and that was a big enough reason for me.
I couldn’t tell you all of this because it was unrealistic. I had a dream in my head of how dating you would turn out but so did you. Except instead of us getting married, you saw one of us getting hurt at the end of yours. You saw us not working out and that’s all you saw. I knew that if that’s what you thought it was because you would have broken up with me. Because I knew that I never would have broken up with you. I would have married you. So, I guess it’s for the best that we never dated because if I’m hurt this much now, I can’t imagine how it would be if we dated and it didn’t work out. So for now, we’ll go our separate ways and maybe, just maybe, we’ll run into each other again.
But just so you know, years from now when we’re dating other people, maybe even married, I will still wonder. Wonder how it would have turned out. And I will always think the same thing: I would have fallen in love with you and married you. Maybe that’s not what would have happened and maybe you would have been right. Maybe we would have ended up breaking up and going our separate ways. But I will always believe it would have worked out, and when I think about you, I will always smile and hope that one day it still will.
So, there it is. The words I wish I could tell you but the words I know you’ll never hear.